Phuket has come a long way from the tropical island bungalow on a secluded beach with freshly caught squid frying over a rudimentary barbeque. Most of us have traded seclusion for the convenience of 4 or 5-star comforts, great food, a view shared with many other guests, and a pool that you get up early to reserve your place with a beach towel.

There’s a lot of criticism of the roads here in Phuket. I’ve written one or two articles already about some of the safety horrors that you’re likely to run into (literally) on the roads here. However, over the last few months there’s been a change in the nature of road hazards: no longer is only the negligence and recklessness of your fellow drivers likely to kill you but much of the new infrastructure in Phuket seems designed to cut your vacation short—permanently!

I’m a fair man. When I only know one side of a story, I’ll admit it. So, for the record, this is just one side of at least a two sided story. Having said that, it’s my side and many men share a similar narrative, so it deserves to be told.

By those new to Phuket, you are often asked, “Where did you celebrate Songkran?” And then they’ll go excitedly into a story about how they spent the whole day in Patong and shot everyone with water and got drenched and had the best day of their life in the world’s biggest water fight. However, should they be foolish enough to ask a long-term expat what they did over Songkran, they’ll get back a bitter response like, “I hid in my house over the entire benighted period. Thank the gods the whole blasted thing is over for another year!”

I’m by no means a big fan of shopping and even less a fan of the US, but one thing the US has got right is shopping. Just about anything you could want is online. You just type in whatever you’re looking for and up come about a thousand different variations on the item in ten different colors with reviews and recommendations on each make. Not only that, but suggestions for other models and accessories will come up under the now ubiquitous “Customers Also Bought” section.

Anyone who has lived in Phuket for even a little while has noticed that there are very different kinds of drivers on the road; but that’s no surprise, there are different kinds of drivers everywhere. What’s surprising is that the drivers here have conspired to group themselves according to vehicle type. As a warning to newcomers and a reminder to the initiated, this is a list of cars from most to least lethal: